I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
