i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
