The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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