I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Even my vagina gasped.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
