Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
