I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
