Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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