that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
