I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
