Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
