Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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