You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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