i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
