Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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