i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
