Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We are all done wearing pants today
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
