im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
