On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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