Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
