you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
