What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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