Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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