Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
