I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
