You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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