I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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