My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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