i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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