just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize