Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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