i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
