Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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