Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
