I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
