Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
