I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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