normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
