Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
