I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize