This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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