I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
