smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
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