1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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