i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
