my soul wont recognize me after tonight
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
