oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
