My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
This toilet bowl is my home.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
