Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
