You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
