She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize