hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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