dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
