i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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